Oh dear

May 2009 - feeling abandoned by the Labour Party, swathes of its traditional working class support vote for the BNP and England elects fascists to the European parliament.

29th September 2009 - Gordon Brown sets out his stall for a last desperate bid to remain in power - fighting on behalf of the 'squeezed middle classes'.

June 2010 - Britain elects Nazi MPS?

I know Europe was proportional representation and the election is first past the post - making it harder for minority parties to be heard - but seriously. Brown has learned nothing. He's prioritising people worrying about their house prices over people who will never have a house, or a job; over child poverty and appalling living conditions for the poorest in society. Labour has abandoned the people it was supposed to represent, and now the only politicians who will even talk to those people are the fascists. Can we be surprised if they get in?

Brown learned nothing from the shame of the euro elections.

So now lets all look forward to a generation of Tory rule with nasty racists as the only real dissenting voice.

Cheers.

Can I have a large tea please?

More tales of consumer madness...

While promoting my new book I've been up and down the country quite a lot, spending more time than I would like in coffee shops and service stations.  And I've noticed something quite odd.

Increasingly, when you look at the drinks menus in these places, you can order a variety of coffees in small, medium and large sizes, but if you want tea, there is only one size available.  Why?  The cups are there.  It's simply a matter of choosing this cup, not that cup, and putting a little more hit water in.  I'd even be prepared to pay more for those 200 extra milliliters of hot water, but it doesn't seem to be an option any more.  Every single time I ask for a large tea, and I get a medium one.  A couple of times I've pointed out that I asked for a large one, and the staff have looked at me with complete incomprehension:

"I asked for a large tea."

"Tea. Yes.  There it is."

"No, but I ordered a large one."

"Large?"

"Yes."

"You wanted tea.  There is tea."

Anyone have any idea why tea drinkers are suddenly being coralled to medium sized cups?

Look on the Bright Side

A reminder, courtesy of The Daily Mash, that when the Tories get back in next year for a generation, at least the comedy will get funnier. THATCHER TRIES TO CLOSE HER OWN WARD

BARONESS Thatcher was under sedation last night after trying to close the ward where she is being treated. The claw has injured four nurses The former prime minister threatened to sack medical staff at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital after they refused to give her a choice of dressings for her broken claw. Consultant Denys Finch-Hatton said: "She was initially amused by the karmic forces that brought her under the care of an organisation she fucked sideways with a melon for over a decade. "But then she became very agitated, got on the phone to Norman Tebbit and told him to sell the hospital to some Chinese gangsters." He added: "We've made her as comfortable as possible which means, thanks to the enduring effects of her 11 years in power, she's currently propped up outside the gents." Although Lady Thatcher is in a stable condition, her accident and her advanced age has created a dilemma for the New Labour politicians who have continued her work while simultaneously begging the trade unions for money. A Downing Street source said: "In the event of her popping off, we'll have to say something that is statesman-like but does not alienate traditional Labour voters. Then again there is only about four of them. "What about a full state funeral with a 21-gun salute, but at the end we drop her down a disused coal shaft?" Meanwhile Martin Bishop, a former Liverpool dock worker, said he remained in a permanent state of readiness, adding: "I've got my fireworks, my bunting and two crates of Stella. It's going to be fucking mint."

Ashamed to be British. Ashamed to be from Barnsley

The Hitler-Loving Nazi elected to represent Yorkshire in Europe.  I want to die.

We used to call it the People's Republic of South Yorkshire.  It was so Labour, so socialist, there was hardly any point anyone else campaigning.

And now we see for ourselves, in our lifetimes, how fascism can take hold.  Even with twenty-first century communications, we see how lies and distortion can be allowed to stand, if faced by total incompetence and a sense that voters are being ignored by those in power.

16% of voters in Barnsley voted BNP.  

One in six of the people I grew up with, had a pint with, went to school with, voted for a fucking Nazi.  

This cunt used to be the leader of the British National Front.  He's an 'academic' who has attempted to develop a 'scientific' rationale for racism.  He led marches where people shouted "we've got to get the blacks out" and was once arrested and convicted of behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after being heard chanting "death to jews".  

If you call your party the National Front, it kind of suggests you agree with everything Hitler said and did.  If there's any doubt, the party was founded on Hitler's birthday, for fuck's sake. 

And this is who the former socialists of Yorkshire have elected as their ambassador to Europe, while Hitler's actions are still well within living memory. 

Shame on the people of Barnsley.  Shame on a supposedly Labour government - this happened not because of "mass immigration", which doesn't exist, but because you've spent so fucking long licking the arse of Daily Mail-reading 'middle England' you've completely forgotten about the people who were once the backbone of your support.  Hang your head in shame Brown - and you Blair.  I want to throw up.

Once you pop a revolting mixture of corn starch, flour and fat you can't stop!

Delighted to read this morning that Pringles lost a court case in which they were trying to avoid paying VAT, and in the process revealed what we suspected all along: they're fucking revolting.

After years of marketing, you may have been under the impressions that Pringles were a particularly moreish type of potato crisp.  Well now the makers have strenuously argued that they're not - because they're only 42% potato.  33% of a Pringle is flour and fat.

They lost, and the court thinks they are a potato crisp (how did they reach that conclusion)?  So Pringles now face paying back £100m in VAT.  But after these revelations, they may not have this problem in future - would YOU buy them again knowing what you know now?  No sales = no VAT.  Everyone's happy.

Oh no. The shadow culture secretary is called Jeremy Hunt

Even a blind man at the bottom of a mineshaft at 3am can see the Labour Government is screwed, and I've come to accept with great sadness that the best thing that can possibly happen to Labour now is a period in opposition, where they can spend time trying to rediscover their morals, common sense, humility and political beliefs.

Yes, it means we'll get the Tories back, but that's OK because at least we'll know where we stand, and we won't need to feel confused and conflicted about hating the government again.

But one thing that distresses me is that I just found out the Shadow Culture Secretary is called Jeremy Hunt.  This is disastrous.  

The current culture secretary, Andy Burnham, is the most convincing of Labour ministers.  He tries to get people to call him Andy which shows he's down with the kids, and by pretending to like 'the footie' and having once been the drummer in Shed Seven, he shows he is more in touch with the culture of mainstream Britain than any other MP. 

One of these men is currently the MP for Leigh.  OK, I made that bit up.

But a culture secretary called Jeremy will be disastrous.  You can imagine the cabinet meeting.

"OK chaps, now Jeremy's going to update us on the latest in our - ahem - extracurricular activities."

"Thanks Dave.  OK, yeah, so as of tonight the Light Programme will play back-to-back albums by Sky, cos they were bloody good, yeah, they played classical music but with rock instruments and they were a proper band no matter what the oiks who used to flush my satchel down the toilet say.  And we're introducing mandatory after-school stamp clubs, and I've set up a sub-committee, chaired by Miles and co-opting Animal - heh! - to look into rolling that out to a choice between stamps and chess by 2013.  The ban in all physical sports comes in to affect in November, and we'll be using the stadia as playgrounds where people can play tig, and Knock Knock Ginger Run Away.  And Mr Murdoch has bought the televised rights for the national Dungeons and Dragons tournament till 2015." 

New Labour Breaks My Heart

How can we ever vote for them again?

News today that in the light of the dreadful, cynical abuse of expenses, rather than apologise or hang their heads in shame, they are instead calling in the police and trying to work out how to sue the Torygraph for printing the details.  I used to imagine that the Tories used to abuse power because they were Tories.  Now it seems you abuse power simply because you have  it, whoever you are.

The double irony is that this has happened in the same week they've announced the introduction of ID cards in Manchester.  What makes me laugh is that the party line on the threat posed to civil liberties by ID cards is, "If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear".  The antics over expenses show that cabinet ministers are seemingly exempt from this argument.

It's such a facile concept anyway - it ignores the whole concept of privacy.  There may be things I"m not scared about, but I'd rather people didn't know.

So next time a cabinet minister trots out "If you've got nothing to hide you've got nothing to fear," I suggest we all write to them asking questions from the following list:

• What was the last thing you claimed for on expenses?
• Have you ever told a lie to your children?
• Have you ever picked your nose and eaten it?
• What colour underwear are you wearing today?
• Do you have any birthmarks on your private parts?
• Have you had a shit yet today?
• When was the last time you masturbated?
• In your view, what's your partner's biggest fault?
• And what do they think yours is?

If you asked me any of these questions I'd be offended, and I'd tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.  But none of them touch on anything illegal - if you truly believe "nothing to hide, nothing to fear", you won't mind answering them.