Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh no. The shadow culture secretary is called Jeremy Hunt

Even a blind man at the bottom of a mineshaft at 3am can see the Labour Government is screwed, and I've come to accept with great sadness that the best thing that can possibly happen to Labour now is a period in opposition, where they can spend time trying to rediscover their morals, common sense, humility and political beliefs.

Yes, it means we'll get the Tories back, but that's OK because at least we'll know where we stand, and we won't need to feel confused and conflicted about hating the government again.

But one thing that distresses me is that I just found out the Shadow Culture Secretary is called Jeremy Hunt.  This is disastrous.  

The current culture secretary, Andy Burnham, is the most convincing of Labour ministers.  He tries to get people to call him Andy which shows he's down with the kids, and by pretending to like 'the footie' and having once been the drummer in Shed Seven, he shows he is more in touch with the culture of mainstream Britain than any other MP. 

One of these men is currently the MP for Leigh.  OK, I made that bit up.

But a culture secretary called Jeremy will be disastrous.  You can imagine the cabinet meeting.

"OK chaps, now Jeremy's going to update us on the latest in our - ahem - extracurricular activities."

"Thanks Dave.  OK, yeah, so as of tonight the Light Programme will play back-to-back albums by Sky, cos they were bloody good, yeah, they played classical music but with rock instruments and they were a proper band no matter what the oiks who used to flush my satchel down the toilet say.  And we're introducing mandatory after-school stamp clubs, and I've set up a sub-committee, chaired by Miles and co-opting Animal - heh! - to look into rolling that out to a choice between stamps and chess by 2013.  The ban in all physical sports comes in to affect in November, and we'll be using the stadia as playgrounds where people can play tig, and Knock Knock Ginger Run Away.  And Mr Murdoch has bought the televised rights for the national Dungeons and Dragons tournament till 2015." 


  1. Andy Burnham really does like his football (and cricket); he was the first Culture Secretary since Mellor who actually loved sport, more than the Culture or Media bit.

  2. a "culture" secretary? What is this, Oceania?